9. MY LORD IN HEAVEN, WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!

 

I had this realisation somewhere during depression, sleep deprivation and starvation that I’m never going to get published. It came to me when I realised that I have never read anything that corresponds to how I write, so perhaps I’m no good.

I finished reading The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1926, last week and the writing is so beautiful. My writing is nothing like that.

I started a new book the same night I finished it, and I then realised that I can’t tell a linear story with that time of storytelling prowess. Basically I seem to suck.

These realisations were then followed by another which came after a dodgy tarot card reading. I keep saying that I’m an artist, because I am an artist. Being an artist is my niche, so why am I not using it more? Why don’t my books have picture, painting done by me? Why do I ignore a whole side of myself and only focus on one at a time and then claim that I’m searching for a solid link between the two?

So, starting today I’m revisiting my past works and adding art.

It did occur to me that this is just a way of avoiding sending to publishers by creating more work for myself but then I decided I need to have more faith in myself than that. I need to use every skill and weapon at my disposal if I want to be a success.

 

On another note, I had an idea for the launch party of The Murder of Miss O whilst drinking tea last night.

[An extravagant tea party, each table has a pot of tea, delicate cups, an assortment of teas, cupcakes, opium incense…]

 

I revisited Amen today, to see about putting the pictures in, and although I could do it and they would probably work, it didn’t feel write. It felt perfect without the pictures, like the ramblings of a mad man. Putting images in would break up the flow of insanity somehow, perhaps even help to rationalise it and I don’t think that that’s appropriate for this novella. So instead of going backwards I’m going to try putting artwork into current projects and see how that goes.