15. Rule 2: Boredom is a Sin.

 

This happened last night. I thought about writing it down then. Then I decided it wasn’t that important and to get some sleep. I figured if it was still with me when I woke up, then I would write it down, get it out of me.

It’s now morning, almost midday in fact, and it’s still here, so I suppose I should write it down.

S: “I want to go to a wedding, one of you should get married, don’t you wanna get married? Don’t you want your kids to get married, to be happy, to have kids?”

Mum: “I wanna get married.”

S: “Forget about you, what about your kids, don’t you want to see them get married?”

Mum: “I want to get married, just once.”

S: “Do, you want to get married?”

Sister: Yeah and I want to give all my kids weird names. I want to name my son Smith. Smith Edwards… I’ve probably thought about it too much.”

S: “What about you, don’t you wanna find a partner and get married?”

Me: “I don’t care.” [LIE]

S: “Don’t you want to get married?”

Me: “Don’t think about it.” [LIE]

S: “You should get married. You need to find yourself a partner. You can’t stay in the house with your mother all day.”

Me: “Why not?”

S: “Because you can’t. You gotta get out the house, look for opportunity.”

Me: “What does opportunity look like?”

S: “Get out of the house and you’ll see it. I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. I wouldn’t put myself through that. It would have to be someone really special for me to go through that again.”

 

This is an abbreviated version of the conversation. It went on for a lot longer.

Now, I could have told the truth, but that would have just been painful, for me. What I can do however is tell myself the truth. That I do think about it, that I think everyone wants someone to love and for someone to love them, that I have always imagined I would have three children. A girl, Athena Simonette, then twins, a boy and a girl, Theon Julien and Atheny Merrique. No matter how much older I get, it is a childish fantasy I can’t seem to get out of my head.

As for getting out the house and looking for opportunity, it’s always a little hard to do when you don’t have any money. I suppose I could sit in a park all day, or a library if it gets cold or rainy. An art gallery or maybe a museum. I could go window shopping and look at all the things I can’t have.  Or I could just walk around aimlessly, I could waste time.

I did get a phone call from S this morning, inviting me out to the zoo. I declined, which probably annoyed her greatly. I have to get out of the house after all. It wasn’t because of last night however. That I care very little about, and that isn’t a lie. It’s because of something else she seems to have trouble understanding. I’m broke. She would insist on paying, and then I would end up feeling guilty and depressed. And, if I did have money, there are more pressing things than the zoo right now. For example: we have mice, there’s damp in the bedroom and the washing machine’s broken, so there’s always clothes soaking in the bath tub. Spontaneity has gone out the window.

Anyway, I know I’m happy when I don’t think about being Rapunzel trapped in her tower. I know I’m happy when I do think about being Rapunzel trapped in her tower. I know I’m safe here, there’s little chance or me really getting hurt here.

I know enough to know that achieving my goals should be my primary goal right now. To be published. To be an author. To be an artist. To be me.

I know enough that love, children, marriage can wait, at least until after. That is, if it’s even possible for me by then. That’s if it’s even possible for me right now.