30. Rule 17: Most of the time, obedience is our only freedom.

 

23/09/2014

 

I’ve been a little depressed.

But that’s nothing new.

I’ve been hopeful.

Despite the fact that that’s a sin.

Perhaps it’s the hope that’s causing the depression, perhaps it is the depression. If I could be free of hope then what then, what would I be?

I wouldn’t be this.

 

I’ve been thinking how I don’t want to be like my grandmother, going along with what everyone else says and wants, being so quiet and passive that it comes off as weakness. I’ve been thinking this because am already like that. But I realised that my grandmother isn’t weak, her strength is just a different type of strength, the strength to hold your tongue even though it’s killing you, the strength to do what you don’t want to do for the sake of others. Hers is a quiet strength, and if I could be half as strong as her, I could be a Goddess.

 

I don’t feel strong.

I just feel tired all the time.

Is that depression?

I don’t want to do anything.

But there is so much force just because I don’t want to be weak.

Because I’m tired of feeling weak.

 

There’s this artist website that I’ve just signed up to, they’re asking for a lot, including a short bio and an artist statement. These things require concentration and I have so little of that, and all the patience I have is getting used up on other things. Like how my aunty was going to buy my grandparents the most amazing two bedroom, walk in shower and wet-roomed apartment I have ever seen, and they refused it saying it’s too small, they rather live in our front room cause that’s so much bigger. (Sarcasm)

Now she’s bought them a three bedroom house, actually bought it, but they don’t want to move. It seems like a silly thing, trivial even. But there are five of us living in a two bedroom house with one bathroom, I’m living out of my kitchen and watching TV on my laptop and I’m tired, so so tired.

 

Artists Statements:

 

·       2007.

“There is always too much emphasis on colour and shapes in art, and limited to this simple medium I found that there was so much art couldn’t express. So, I started writing, and then creating pieces of art based on the text. I became interested in not just merely seeing a painting or drawing but feeling the colours, feeling the texture of the materials used. I went from painting in acrylics, to using oil pastels, to painting in make-up because of the almost silky texture it gives. To me art comes under the same category as literature and music. It’s an external expression of beauty, a search for purpose and faith. It’s hard to not believe in a God when you experience pure examples of beauty. It’s hard to believe that we were given these sensations of touch and sight just for survival reasons. There can be so much perfection and imperfection in art that it’s hard not to associate some sort of spirituality with it. Art is my expression of this; it’s something that I couldn’t live without simply because I wouldn’t want to. In this sense art has almost become a religion, my imagination is my God.”

 

·       2014.

“?”